Streetcars and why they're evil

Normally it takes me an hour to make my way to work in the morning. On a good day 45 minutes. On a bad day an hour and 25 minutes. You might be wondering the huge discrepancy between a good day and a bad day. There's the obvious factors; weather, traffic, but today was neither. Today it took me an extra 30 minutes to get into work. Why? Because, I had the misfortune of being stuck behind a streetcar...4 to tell you the truth.

Every time, I get stuck behind one of these rusted out sardine cans, I ask myself "why does such a modern city such as Toronto still have streetcars. Why, after 107 years, 148 if you count before they went electric, do we still commission these massive paper weights that do nothing but clog up the arteries of the heart of Toronto's streets.

I can imagine the glee and excitement when they were first unveiled. A new city, developing, full of hope and promise. In comes a trolley car capable of transporting mass amounts of people through the city streets. I can feel my hair blowing in the wind as i cover 5 city blocks in an hour. Beats a horse, beats walking. Flash forward 100+ years and they are still here. Just as ridiculously impractical, taking up 50% of the road. Can't pass them, can't avoid them. If you're lucky you'll only have one in your path. If you're lucky, you may be able to pass one at a traffic light. If you're lucky.

sitting 30 cars back, i can see as we go down a gentle slope, that there are no cars in front of the streetcar. It prevents me from living my life. These sacred cows of Toronto, slowly trudging down the city core at dismal speeds, without a care of the rest of humanity. Shitting on the rest of us.

Of course, there are those that defend the streetcars. They claim that they are a living landmark, rustic indicators of a time forgotten...so are wooden prosthetics and scurvy, but we managed to outlive pirate times.

I feel so betrayed by this city's insistence on keeping them around. We came close to getting rid of all them in the 1970's, but a lobby group kept them alive. A lobby group that probably live on the island now, to avoid the artificial gridlock these monstrosities create. The fact that some have their own dedicated lane just boils my blood. I try and keep my cool, but slowly as the radio cycles through the same irritating commercials over and over again- "damn you Oliver's jewellery...Christine Mac Gee, to hell with you and your shitty mattresses, get me out of here.-I start to cringe and think violent thoughts.

One should ask themselves. In 2009, when cities such as Tokyo, Seoul, New York, London, Chicago all have advanced, more than competent transit alternatives, where are we still relying on these havens for urine, deep rooted hatred and complacency? One should ask themselves, why is it that with today's technology are we still limited to a system that employs bags of sand, bags of sand that are under the carriage of the streetcar which shoot said sand onto the tracks to avoid incident on slippery occasions.?

Of course the real kicker is when these rockets need to change track direction in mid stride. One would think an automation of sorts would be dictated from a switchboard in the home base of the TTC....hmm...nah. The method of their madness is to use a manual system. This manual system consists of an actual TTC employer, highly trained of course, to stop the car wherever it may be. Then he exits his chariot and, yes, grabs a 5 foot long metal pole which by the way was manufactured by the two blacksmiths the TTC still employs. Blacksmiths, one missing two fingers, engineer these metal wands of magic in some factory for a ridiculous amount of money. The highly trained operator then walks into the middle of the road, sometimes stopping traffic in all four directions, waving his wand like a CNE carny trying to attract potential suckers. I can visualize it now. in his hoarse voice "gather round everyone, gather round as i make my magic, and change the path of this steel beast, simply with this metal sorcerers wand...you there sir, step right up and watch history unfold..the wonders of this world are for you to see right before your eyes...apple sir?...watch as i physically jam this pole into the ground wedging between the tracks, and move the track to the left to change the path of the streetcar." And there he goes, tongue out, leveraging the pole to move the track. Then if by some voice in his head.."Look up there, look to the line at the top of my trolley. it seems unhinged. let me reach up and jiggle the wire a bit, assuring us a fast and speedy 120 minute ride from Woodbine and Queen to Yonge street."

I just puked in my mouth a bit...sorry. All the while, i ask myself, does this carny deserve the 60-100k salary he mops up. with his missing teeth and house in Woodbridge he just bought in cash. Once a squeegee kid, now their enemy.

Of course, like any other transportation vehicle, accidents happen. Of course at the slow speed of the streetcar you can't possibly fathom something tragic happening. Yet every few months, some car, probably in a panic to get around a streetcar veers off the road smashing into a parked car. And yet, every few months two streetcars collide....why yes, they collide...which means they were on the same track...i know, i know, i couldn't make this up...I'm dying inside. One would think that a signal of sorts would warn the highly experienced committee of transit. 'look boys, look car A is on the same track as car B, and in 4 hours they will collide. What should we do?...What CAN we do?"

To watch that in real time would truly disturb you. No acid in the world could recreate the hallucination of two large slow moving trolley cars en route to hitting each other, yet 6 traffic lights away. Standing there, you watch in slow motion, in horror as the two cars stop to pick up people, stop at lights, inching closer to the inevitable shit storm in front. You call out, you panic, yet no one notices....sweat dripping down your head...nervous laughs pop in and out as the calamity nears closer....and then tragically and unforeseen, these two rusty rhinos smash into each other at 25 km/h, completely shutting down the street for hours. Ruining lives once again, always slow, always hurting, always there......always there. maybe for 100 years more, maybe forever. Who cares though? What can we do?....I'll think about that one and get back to you.